Tuesday, July 3, 2012

PENIS!


Now that I have your attention...

LOL. What else would an m/m author write about in her first entry for this shiny, sparkly, new blog but her thoughts on the organ that makes it all possible?


Ah, the penis.

It’s the stuff of legend, celebrated in literature, film, and advertisements for size-enhancement supplements (whose claims should not be believed, mostly because they never mention exactly which body part will be “enhanced” by their little miracle pill. For all you know, you may end up with a gigantic ear or big, floppy feet). 

Alas, fame comes at a cost. For every civilization that ever reverently sculpted the penis out of rock, mud, wood, or latex to gain the fickle favor of the fertility gods (or at least get off a good one), there is a less-than-flattering depiction of the dick. This is true now more than ever.
 
Personally, I blame Photoshop. Everybody knows how tempting it is to put googly eyes on a penis, and Photoshop just makes it too damn easy. 

I can’t fully put the blame on computers and technology, though. People have been poking (ha! I said “poke”) fun at cocks for as long as humans have had funny bones. I don’t know what it is about the penis that makes it such an easy target. Maybe it’s the shape. You’d think the Powers That Be would’ve made such an important body part look a bit more intimidating and respectable -- like a sword, maybe, or the hood ornament of a Rolls Royce. But no, the venerable penis bears an uncanny resemblance to the fungus I have to rake off the lawn after a hard rain.

Or maybe it’s the fact that it spits up when it’s happy. I mean, really...who thought that was a good idea? “Okay, let’s make it get hard when the guy gets excited and then...bam! Let it upchuck a snot-like substance.” 

Ooh, sexy.

I don’t know the answer. I just know that cocks rarely get the respect they deserve anymore. I remember seeing a movie at the drive-in years and years ago (yes, I believe it was in Bedrock) called Flesh Gordon.  Not Flash...Flesh. It starred a gigantic Claymation cock called the “Penisaurus Monster.” I kid you not. Rent it. Watch it. Be amazed by the one-eyed awesomeness of the towering stop-motion dick.

Computer and motion picture industries aren’t the only ones to blame. The written word is no exception. Writers make fun of cocks all the time. You’d think authors, especially those who write erotic romance, would be more respectful in their depictions of the cock considering the dick’s import to the author’s royalty checks. And yet weeping cocks abound in romantic fiction, right alongside greased love poles and one-eyed trouser trout. 

Here are a few more of my favorite euphemisms that never fail to make me chuckle:

“His member.” I like this one. I admit I’ve used it myself even though it always makes me wonder exactly what organization the cock is a member of, and what the membership requirements are. Can anyone join? Is it like a social network? Do they have mixers? I always picture a country club in my mind, where cocks wear plaid pants and ride around in golf carts, playing with their little balls. 

“Manhood” makes me think of some sort of Lord of the Flies ritual; grungy boys in loincloths jabbing each other with sharp sticks. Or a mechanic saying, “Let’s take a look under the hood. Ah, see...here’s your problem. You just need a little lube job.”

“Arousal.” Yes, I’ve used this one, too, and always wondered whether his dick is the only part of him aroused. It sounds so...detached. Is the rest of his body not in the same room as his cock? Is he knitting doilies and watching Dancing with the Stars while his cock gets all aroused and fucks somebody into the mattress? 

 “Organ.” I’m guilty of using this one, too, but never do without wondering whether it can play In a Gadda Da Vida.

Ah., the penis. Misunderstood, misused, abused, and yet worshiped the world over. What would we ever do without you?

4 comments:

  1. I had to laugh at this post because just last night, the BF sent me a LONG list of penis 'euphemisms for the erotica author'. So nice to be supported in your work, eh? *grins*

    I am also green with envy over your shiny new site. Very nice indeed!

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  2. Thank you very much! I love penis euphemisms. I actually did a workshop on them a couple of years ago at OutlantaCon with my dear friend, Kayelle Allen. We had a blast, had audience participation, and came up with some winners for both the male and female anatomy!

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  3. Ah, anytime I can make someone spray the keyboard is a good day. ROFLMAO!

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