Thursday, July 10, 2014

One Eyed Trouser Trout and other Euphemisms

Ah, the penis. 

It’s the stuff of legend, celebrated in literature, film, and advertisements for size-enhancement supplements (whose claims should not be believed, mostly because they never mention exactly which body part will be “enhanced” by their little miracle pill. For all you know, you may end up with a gigantic ear or big, floppy feet). 

Alas, fame comes at a cost. For every civilization that ever reverently sculpted the penis out of rock, mud, wood, or latex to gain the fickle favor of the fertility gods (or at least get off a good one), there is a less-than-flattering depiction of this celebrated organ. This is true now more than ever.

Personally, I blame Photoshop. 

Everybody knows how tempting it is to put googly eyes on a penis and something funny in a little talking bubble over the head, and Photoshop just makes it too damn easy. 

I can’t fully put the blame on computers and technology, though. People have been poking (ha! I said “poke”) fun at penises for as long as humans have had funny bones. I don’t know what it is about the penis that makes it such an easy target. Maybe it’s the shape. You’d think the Powers That Be would’ve made such an important body part look a bit more intimidating and respectable -- like a sword, maybe, or at least like the hood ornament on a Rolls Royce. But no, the venerable penis bears an uncanny resemblance to the fungus I have to rake off the lawn after a hard rain.

Maybe it’s the fact that it spits up when it’s happy. I mean, really...who thought that was a good idea? 

“Okay, let’s make it get hard when the guy gets excited and then...bam! Let it upchuck a snot-like substance.” 

Ooh, sexy.

I don’t know the answer. I just know that cocks rarely get the respect they deserve.

I remember seeing a movie at the drive-in years and years ago (yes, I believe it was in Bedrock) called Flesh Gordon.  Not Flash...Flesh. It starred a gigantic Claymation penis called the “Penisaurus Monster.”
I kid you not. Rent it. Watch it. Be amazed by the one-eyed awesomeness of the towering, thundering, stop-motion dick.

Computer and motion picture industries aren’t the only ones to blame. The written word is no exception. Writers make fun of penises all the time. You’d think authors, especially those who write erotic romance, would be more respectful in their depictions of the organ considering the  import to the author’s royalty checks. Yet, weeping, throbbing organs abound in romantic fiction, right alongside the more-uncommon-but-no-less-funny greased love poles and one-eyed trouser trout. 

Here are a few more of my favorite euphemisms that never fail to make me chuckle:

Member. I like this one. I admit I’ve used it myself even though it always makes me wonder exactly what organization the penis is a member of, and what the membership requirements are. Can anyone join? Is it like a social network? Do they have mixers? I always picture a country club in my mind, where penises wear plaid pants and ride around in golf carts, playing with their little balls. 

Manhood.  The word makes me think of some sort of Lord of the Flies ritual; grungy boys in loincloths jabbing each other with sharp sticks. Or an auto mechanic saying, “Let’s take a look under the ol' manhood. Ah,’s your problem. Nothing a lube job won’t fix.”

Arousal. Yes, I’ve used this one, too, but it sounds so...detached. It sounds like the hero's penis is the only part of him stimulated. Is the rest of his body not in the same room as his penis? Is he in the living room knitting doilies and watching Dancing with the Stars while his penis has wild and crazy monkey sex?

 Organ. I’m guilty of using this one, too, but never do so without wondering whether it can play In a Gadda Da Vida.

So, the next time you see a penis, remember that for a part of the body we’re all so fond of, it puts up with a lot of crap.

Give it a kiss and a little pat on the head. It’ll appreciate it, I guarantee.

Just watch out for the spitting snot.


  1. So funny! Thanks for the laughs - I really needed it :)

  2. Me too! Dying! Spit up when happy lol!