Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Ask Andrew - Vanilla and a Little Swirl

Dear Andrew

How do I help my partner loosen up and relax while we *wink* *wink* are in the bedroom?  He is a vanilla and I am more of a swirl of vanilla and sumptin sumptin.  When he starts to let go he freezes up.  It feels like he takes a step forward and than takes 3 steps back.  I am also wanting my husband to learn to be more of a DOM in the bedroom.  How?   I know baby steps but I have been baby stepping for about 3 years now. 


Dear Shannon

In order to answer this question, I have to ask you one, have you talked to your husband about what you want?  It seems you have.  But has he agreed to take this journey with you?  I know you want something more than vanilla in the bedroom, but I have to ask if that's what he wants.  It doesn't sound like it to me.  Like with everything in life, we all have a comfort zone and some of us don't like to step outside of them.  This can be especially true in the bedroom. 

A true D/s relationship, or any kind of relationship for that matter, requires two willing partners that are both committed to one another and who care for one another.  Both partners need to be on the same page and understand each other.  This seems to be missing here.  It sounds as though the two of you are on different pages and its very possible that he isn't willing to go on the journey you are asking him to take.  I know I may be telling you something you don't want to hear, but its very possible he will not be able to give you what you want. 

What turns on one individual doesn't necessarily work for another.  While I understand that you want things more adventurous, he doesn't seem too, and my advice for you is to talk to him.  Be as plain and understanding as you can in telling him what you want.  However, you must be prepared for him to explain that he can't do that.  I wish I had a little trick or some piece of information that would turn your husband into exactly what you want, but I don't.  If I did, I could bottle it and make a fortune or at least write a book about it.  I do believe that most things, in and out of the bedroom, can be solved, or at least made better, through communication. 

I truly hope I've been helpful
Hugs and love

Ask Andrew is your chance to ask questions of a gay romance author.  The questions can be about the writing process in general, writing sex scenes, gay men, sex, characters in romance, characters having sex... okay you probably get the picture.    I promise to answer your questions as frankly and with as much humor as I possibly can.

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  1. Very well thought out answer. Exactly what everyone needs to hear. Communication and a willingness to hear and try to understand where each partner is coming from.

  2. You hit the nail on the head with this one. Communication is always key and even with that sometimes you have to be able to accept no.