Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Ask Andrew - Top and Bottom

Dear Andrew

In a M/M relationship, is there typically one man who always tops or do they have a tendency to switch? Is it less emotionally fulfilling to be just a bottom or just a top?


Dear Aimee

This is a very interesting question and goes back to a basic tenant that everyone is different.  There is an old story of a drag queen in San Francisco who stopped the music at a packed gay club and asked the tops to move to one end of the room and the bottoms to the other.  According to legend, the building shook a little and everyone thought there had been an earthquake, actually it was the building tilting slightly toward the bottom side of the room, there were so many.  :)

The truth is that some men prefer the top role and some the bottom role during sex, and some are switch hitters.   The thing is that the preferred role can change over time.  A younger guy may prefer the bottom role, but as he ages, comes to prefer topping.  A lot depends upon partners, relationships, and personal preference.  A switch hitter may take the role most of the time if his partner is strictly a bottom.  In a new relationship part of the fun can be experimenting to figure this out.  (The finding out and exploration can be half the fun.)

As far as emotional fulfillment, as long as each partner is happy and getting what they need, that's probably covered.  Just like so many other things when it comes to sex and relationships, we are all individuals with no two are alike.  I like to think that emotional fulfillment comes from your partner and the heart felt connection between you.  If that is present, then position has little to do with it.  But then again, that could just be the romantic in me.  :)

Hugs and Love

Ask Andrew is your chance to ask questions of a gay romance author.  The questions can be about the writing process in general, writing sex scenes, gay men, sex, characters in romance, characters having sex... okay you probably get the picture.    I promise to answer your questions as frankly and with as much humor as I possibly can.

So if you have a question, please send it to  This is different from my usual email so your questions don't get lost.  I will answer one question a week.

Please remember this is meant to be all in fun.  (I was going to say good, clean fun, but who wants that.)    So send me your questions and let's see what mischief we can get into.

Visit Andrew on Facebook:  and you can join Andrew's fan group All The Way With Andrew Grey.

Follow him on Twitter:  @andrewgreybooks

Visit Andrew's web site:  www,


  1. I love this blog, Andrew. It's so wonderful that you're willing to be so open and candid. These are the same qualities I love in your books - I always want to get to know your characters as friends because they are such real people.

  2. There's no doubt you're a romantic at heart. (I've seen you with your husband!) But I also love this answer because it's a reminder that the crux of any relationship is figuring out what works for the couple at that moment. And that can change and grow over time.